3 things I hate about being bipolar

Did I make the right choice sacrificing emotional turmoil for a numbed existence?Credit: Summer Banks, Summer Banks

Nearly 10 years ago I decided to stop taking all bipolar medications. At the time, I was trying to have a baby and medications prescribed for bipolar disorder are not safe during pregnancy. After my babies were born, I chose to stay medication-free so I could live a more "normal" life. Medications for bipolar disorder even out emotions, but that means the high emotions and low emotions are numbed. I wanted a life of laughter, crying and emotions that varied from one day to the next; one event to the next. What I ended up with was a roller coaster ride of ups and downs that took me places I never wanted to go.

I bottle up emotions until I explode. It may appear that I am on an even keel most of the time, but that is just a mirage. I bottle up emotions "normal" people vent in an effort to make people around me happy and reduce the chance of arguments, fussing and fights. At the time it seems like the right idea, until my emotional storage space gets so full that some emotions start to leak out. I cry when I am supposed to laugh and I laugh when I am supposed to cry and then I feel the pain. Usually it starts as a small pain in my chest or head that grows slowly over a few days. Once the pain starts, I have to let out all the emotions and I hurt people in the process.

I think about suicide nearly every day. When I was 10 I told my parents I wouldn't live beyond 27. I have no idea where that thought originated, but it stuck with me well past 27. Without medication, I think about suicide often. Suicide is like a fireball. At first, the thought is hot and you can old toss it around in your mind for a little while before forcing it out. Then, over time, the fireball cools down and you can keep it around for a little while longer. I am lucky, however, because my mother committed suicide so I see what happens after the fact and that knowledge is what keeps me alive every day.

I hurt the people I love and they stick around for more. This is the side effect of living drug-free with bipolar disorder that I hate the most. My husband takes everything I throw at him and he comes back for more time and time again. I often wonder about the strength it must take to put up with severe mood swings and wish I had that same strength. My children see mommy crying and they immediately start drawing pictures of happy things like flowers and hearts. I get more hugs than loud words and more support than I feel I am entitled to.

Will I live the rest of my life drug-free with bipolar disorder? Chances are the disease will not allow that to happen. I can control my mood swings most of the time, but I cannot control the feelings, thoughts, emotions and pain associated with the disease. After nearly a decade I have learned that human kindness is stronger than mental illness, love is more powerful than hate and life is worth living even when it hurts so bad you can hardly breathe.